Household Balance Coaching​​​

Kansas City Area: Fair Play Fridays (April thru October)

If you and your partner live in the Kansas City metro area, join us for in-person Fair Play Fridays at our downtown office! Clinician Vanessa Knight floats around the community space while couples discuss their household business, budget, parenting issues, chores, and more. Most couples struggle to find a dedicated time when they can sit down and discuss money, chores, travel plans or activities, marriage needs, home projects and anything else that your "household corporation" needs an owners' meeting about. Casual, like office hours, this time is generally unstructured so that you can have a meeting in a neutral semi-private environment with a professional on standby. Many couples then hop on the streetcar to get dinner, visit a jazz club, or enjoy the downtown entertainment! Learn more...

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Emotional, Mental, Physical Labor

In a post-pandemic world, heterosexual households are falling apart in record numbers (see below for comments on non-heteronormative homes), particularly those with children and teens. The normalization of "work at home" within the last five years has had a double-edged nature for parents. On the one hand, there's flexibility; on the other, there is virtually no line between work and home.

Statistics demonstrate that this is overwhelmingly more damaging for women, particularly mothers, because of the lag in recognition of domestic labor -- often called "invisible labor" -- as work. After all, "work" is something someone pays you for, right? A balanced household responsibility list becomes harder and harder to track and rebalance as we add activities, birth control, side hustles, school systems, IEPs and 504 Plans, making sure that holidays and birthdays are celebrated, answering hard questions from kids. How do you discuss unpaid work when it's so difficult to see (emotional and mental labor are generally in our brains and nervous systems), overwhelming, and extensive? Gender in the modern world is a hot and painful issue, and women are often angry and fed up. Men in traditional relationships avoid the conversation because they feel helpless to fix it. Often the conversation does not feel safe for either partner because of the reactivity that triggers when nonverbal, tone, volume, buzz words and assumptions based historical experiences in the relationship (or from childhood or culture at large). These feedback loops can be incredibly difficult for men because it often doesn't arise until there is a problem. 

The problem might be an issue of standards:

• How many loads of laundry are expected in a day and how are the towels folded

• How long the kitchen trash can sit full before it's taken out

• Who is responsible for weekend dinners

• W​hat goes in Mom's stocking on Christmas and who fills it

• What does "done" look like when you're cleaning a kitchen or bathroom

• The list of standards seeks endless.

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The problem might be an issue of awareness and communication:

• Dad doesn't know that Mom has RSVPed for a kid friend's party, shopped and wrapped a gift, then transported to and from the party, running errands to the grocery store, UPS and dry cleaner during the party.

• Mom doesn't realize that Dad winterized the hoses, cleaned the gutters, and fertilized the ornamental trees when he went out to check the mail and put the trash on the curb.

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The problem might be a values issue:

• Dad values financial security and freedom, while Mom values the 10-15 years of memory making each child has and wants to take as many trips as possible while they are young.

• Mom values visual beauty and coziness, while Dad values efficiency and accessibility, so "tidy" looks different for each person.

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The problem might be a trauma or fear-based issue:

• When a partner begins to talk about taking care of the romance in their marriage, the other might hear "more sex" and because of their history (together or separately), they disconnect in a reactive cycle instead of safely discussing how to care for this part of their household (the relationship/marriage/partnership).

• One partner tries to get the other to do more domestic labor by telling the other that "Acts of Service" is their love language (we don't believe these are a thing, but more on that another time). But then it becomes transactional: the dishes for a sex act. Yikes.

• Parter A feels threatened and attacked when Partner B tells them that the domestic work isn't done to standards discussed. Defense mechanism rise, and Partner A begins avoiding accountability for what they may have dropped by reversing blame, gaslighting, dismissing, joking, pointing out Partner B's anger is inappropriate or too much, exiting the conversation entirely, appearing busy or weaponizing paid work... what defenses are in your cycle?

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Emotional labor is the conceptual, values-based work done that guides decision making. It answers the "why" questions. It includes taking the feelings, sensory needs, history and future, systemic limitations and other intangibles into account when considering the household project that needs doing.

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Mental labor is the cognitive, planning work that organizes the who what, when, where how, how much. Mental labor is the project and personnel management of your household task area.

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Physical labor is the doing. The execution of the tasks after the brain work has been done. Often in traditional households (or accidentally traditional!), the emotional and mental labor will be done by the female partner, then handed off to the male partner for execution. While sometimes these roles are reversed in genders, for the sake of simple example, we are going with gender normative traditional roles. This can lead to the female partner supervising, following up, managing, and generally still feeling responsible for "holding" the anxiety of getting the task done. The executor of the task doesn't understand the "why's," doesn't understand why the task must be done "this way not that way". The female partner becomes more anxious, perhaps even angry (or feels like a nag). The male partner feels as though he is inadequate or can't do anything without criticism, shutting down or defending himself from a message he doesn't think he deserves. It's a problem for both partners!

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Who can be coached?

Coaching is available to anyone in the United States or abroad. Both couples and individual members of a partnership are welcome to schedule coaching sessions. When entering the online client portal, select "00001 Coaching" from the services list. Please be sure and read about the difference between counseling and coaching. You are working with a professional who has qualifications in many specialty areas.

Modifications for neurodiverse, single parent, same-sex, and polyamorous households are easy once the basics are covered. Coaching with a certified professional will help you think through the details of your own system's needs and limitations to customize the method for your home.

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Prior to First Session

After you schedule in our online client portal, you will receive a confirmation email. You'll also receive digital intake paperwork and consent forms for coaching.

Cancellation

At 72 hours from your appointment time, you'll receive a reminder email or text. You have 24 hours to cancel at no charge, and then at 48 hours you are responsible for your session fee. From 48 to 24 hours, you are responsible for 50% of the session fee. From <24 hours, you are responsible for the full fee. As our coach/clinicians make their calendars available to the public online, this cancellation policy is strict, and your time is reserved exclusively for you.

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What to Expect at a First Session

Much like any first meeting for friendship or relationship, your Fair Play coaching session is about building connection, telling your story, and gaining mutual understanding about your household goals, struggles and conflict cycles, what personal history you bring to the FP Method, and why you are seeking help now. We'll develop a collaborative plan for how to address the needs of your specific household in a customized way, with consideration for your bio-psycho-social histories and your unique set of challenges.

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Read more about Vanessa Knight's Coaching Specializations

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