MEDIATION for Family Courts
Family Mediation is available in Kansas and Missouri, provided by Vanessa Knight.
About Mediation
What is mediation?
​
Most state courts require mediation, but what is it and how is it different from other terms you will read about or hear from your attorney?
​​
Mediation is a moderated conversation between two parties to reach an agreement without the help of a judge, and often away from the presence of attorneys (either by choice not to hire one or temporarily exclusion of the attorney's input during the meeting). It does not require signatures at the end of the mediation session that you are agreeing to -- you can go home, talk to your attorney afterwards, sleep on it, come back to mediation for additional negotiations or changes of heart/mind. You don't commit to anything on the spot. Mediation is often mandatory in the divorce and coparenting process, so you can do just one, introductory mediation session to meet the minimum requirement, or you can return for several or ongoing sessions if you and the other party (former spouse or coparent) agree that it is helpful! Mediation is not court, and no one is telling you what to do... you are collaborating with the help of a third party, deescalating issues and finding common ground. ​
​
What's the difference between mediation, collaborative divorce, arbitration, and litigation?
​
Mediation is a confidential, voluntary process where a neutral third party helps disputing parties reach a mutually acceptable agreement, focusing on collaboration and speed.
Conversely, litigation is an adversarial, public court process where a judge imposes a binding decision, typically costing more and taking longer. Litigation is the "fight"... it's what everyone thinks of with high-stress, high-cost divorce and coparenting. Parties can't agree and speak to each other through their attorneys, wait for a judge to decide all outcomes after a series of hearings and a trial. This option is the most expensive, and it results in a loss of control for both parties because the court system intervenes and makes decisions.
​
Mediation and arbitration are both confidential, faster, and cheaper alternatives to court. Mediation is a voluntary, collaborative, and non-binding process where a neutral third party helps parties reach their own agreement. Arbitration is more formal and adversarial, where an arbitrator renders a final, binding decision. An arbitrator would spend significantly more time with you than a judge, discussing and talking through the issues, like a mediator. But after this process, it is the arbitrator, not you and your other party, that makes the final decisions.
​
Collaborative divorce involves attorneys who work together. In mediation, a single, neutral mediator facilitates discussion between the spouses but cannot give legal advice or advocate for either side. In collaborative divorce, each spouse has their own attorney during negotiations to provide legal advice and advocate for their interests.
Our judge has ordered us to attend mediation. What does that mean?
Being ordered to go to mediation, these days, is pretty standard and sometimes even required by the system of everyone. But what does it mean? It's a good thing! The judge is trying to put the control back into your hands. The judge wants you to try to work it out together, so that they do not have to take control and make decisions for you and your family. Mediation is a non-legal process, facilitated by a third party (usually a third party attorney, therapist, or social worker), in which you and the other party discuss solutions to scheduling parenting time and parenting plans, dividing assets and personal property in the case of separation/divorce, calculating and negotiating child support, spousal maintenance, holiday and special days plans, and even discussing hot topics like parenting styles, house rules in two households, emotionally "hot" issues that you would like memorialized in writing between you for the future.
How long is mediation?
How much time will this take?
It varies from state to state and case to case. In Missouri, courts will require a minimum of 2 hours, and if you choose not to continue or even stay in the meeting, that is ok. In Kansas, the requirements are higher: each party is required to meet individually and together with the mediator, and often the mediation meeting is 2-8 hours in a day. If you are seeking mediation in earnest and really want to work things out with the other party, it depends on the number of issues that need to be addressed. Sometimes we are able to come to an agreement between parties in just 2 hours. If there are several issues to work through, it may take a half or full day, or several consecutive sessions on different days, spaced apart on the calendar. Each mediation schedule is set for each case in consideration of the needs, customized to your unique needs. In addition, you can always return to mediation in the future when new issues come up, particularly as children age (if you have them). Once you've established a good relationship with Vanessa Knight as a mediator, you can use that space to have safe and productive discussion about important business and child rearing topics.
What will be reported or shared with the court?
The only thing that will be shared with the court and your attorneys is a Memorandum of Understanding or "summary" of the agreements, if any, that you and the other party were able to come to. Outside of that, there is no reporting, no letter-writing, no side-taking. Mediators are not sitting in a legal role at all -- in fact, the whole idea of mediation is to step outside of the legal system, away from judges and attorneys, and try to come to agreement together. You set aside the pressure of the attorneys, the threats of losing power in the "system". While some mediation meetings will be "attorney-assisted," which means that your attorney attends the meeting with you, most of the time, the best agreements are made when you get back to dialogue ("di" means two) about your lives without them. If you have a Guardian Ad Litem appointed to represent your children, we will often invite their presence to represent the children, but that too is your choice! The GAL being present can be helpful for perspective at times, and often they bring a lot of value to the conversation. We are open to all combinations of attendees, but each case is unique, and we consider the costs and benefits of including any outside parties together.
Can I bring a friend or family members or my kids?
It's not ideal. If you need moral and emotional support before and after mediation, it might help to have someone who can drive to you to and from the appointment, so that you can focus on the mediation and decompress afterward. We ask that no other persons are present onsite during the mediation session.
What's the difference between mediation and therapy?
Mediation is a specific and limited process to accomplish practical, tangible changes or agreements regarding:
-
scheduling parenting time and parenting plans,
-
dividing assets and personal property in the case of separation/divorce,
-
calculating and negotiating child support,
-
spousal maintenance,
-
holiday and special days plans, and
-
even discussing hot topics like parenting styles, house rules in two households, emotionally "hot" issues that you would like memorialized in writing as an agreement between you
Mediation is not covered by HIPPA, but is confidential. Mediation is not covered by any medical insurance. Although our mediator is qualified to do so, mediation does not touch mental health , family or couples counseling, trauma-related intervention, clinical diagnosis.
​​
Therapy is interventional and clinical. It's reimbursable by insurance when you request diagnostic and procedure codes from your therapist. The goals of therapy are related to emotional and cognitive wellbeing and family relationship health. In therapy, we address in-depth the distress that you feel individually or together with your family. Separation/divorce is traumatic by nature, so if and when you seem to need additional support through therapy sessions, this is an option for you in our practice. Our mediator is well-boundaried and will keep the scope of mediation within mediation sessions, reserving therapy sessions for deeper, more vulnerable work. Having a therapist who is acting as a mediator gives you the softness and warmth of the caregiving relationship with the systemically-minded, qualified domestic mediation to accomplish the goals the courts need you to work out in order to complete an agreement.
What's the difference between mediation and therapy?
sdhrhh